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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
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3:13 pm
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| Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
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2:17 am
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| Monday, February 11th, 2008
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12:50 pm - Interesting way to explain politics
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FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, November 16th, 2007
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6:24 pm
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| Saturday, October 13th, 2007
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12:30 am
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Joe bought a bird feeder. He hung it on his back porch
and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder
it is as he filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week he had
hundreds of birds taking advantage ofthe continuous flow of
free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started
building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table...everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb
Joe and try to peck him even though
he had fed them out of his own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder
and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night
and demanded that Joe fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, he couldn't even sit on his
own back porch anymore.
So he took down the bird feeder and
in three days the birds were gone.
Joe cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they
had built allover the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it
used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding
their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government gives out free
food, subsidized
housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the millions.
Suddenly our taxes went up
to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families;
you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over
half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box;
I have to 'press one' to
hear my bank talk to me in English,
and people waving flags other than
'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets,
demanding more rights and free liberties.
Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
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10:55 am - Comments War of God.
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10:38 am - "Blowback"
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| Monday, September 10th, 2007
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3:56 pm
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Five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
5. They told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen.
4. This is that 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout.... ..You probably got here just in time.
2. Did ya ever notice the sounds coming out of the keyboard when you put your ear down real close?
AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...
1. Raise your head slowly and say, '...in Jesus' name, Amen.'
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
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9:57 am - Jokes
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
As I traveled the Mountains of Nepal, my guide and I came upon a gathering of wise men. Among them was a holy man reputed to have reached Nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Without warning, a fierce storm came upon us and we fled, taking shelter in a cave. Everyone was soaked except for the noted wise man who was completely dry. I wondered how this could be. My guide drew near and whispered, "Bliss is the awning of the sage of asparagus."
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 27th, 2007
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12:08 pm - Always Be.
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Of all the things that
you may not have
what is the craving
driving itself like a splinter
in your mind?
Take the time and
breath
out the desire and
live within the calm.
Hope and determination will
lead you to things
that otherwise
will be lost in
the everyday.
For things will change
and you with them.
Always be.
Letting yourself step
sideways into the
things that may be
uncomfortable
and let go.
Always Be.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 11th, 2007
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8:46 am - Five easy ste[s to Lolspeak.
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“That’s a really cute cat. And look, he has a bow on his head!”
Step two: “Engrish” it.
1) Mis-decline verbs, especially misuse the verb “to be”
2) Misuse gerunds
3) Overuse prepositional phrases
4) Blatant rearrangement of syntax
5) Incorrect plurals and past-tense verbs
6) “noun” your adjectives. (For instance, the adjective “blue” can become the noun “blueness”)
7) Improper pronouns
8 ) Drop the articles (”a”, “and”, “the”) in favor of adding “-age” to the end of a noun
9) Use “younger” words (”kitty” versus “cat”, “fuzzy” versus “furry”, etc.)
10) Use the word “with” inappropriately.
11) If you really can’t wrap your head around the concepts behind “Engrish”, try this: Go to babelfish.altavista.com, type your desired comment in, hit “english-to-Japanese”, then re-translate back to English. You have to be able to view special characters (the kanji). If you can’t get that to work, try translating to a different, european-text language, like German.
So, we get:
“That being the kitty very full of cuteness. And to be with looking! Him gots bowage on hims head!”
Step three: Misspell everything. There’s no wrong way to do this, just try not to accidentally correctly spell a completely different word (especially one that’s pronounced differently than your spelling intends). Some words (usually short words) should simply remain spelled correctly for continuity’s sake.
1) Think like a little kid / cat / dog / goldfish, and get hukd on foniks
2) I cannot stress this enough: Vowels are your friends! Do not neglect vowels!! We’re speaking LolKitteh here, not text messaging! (My advice: use alternate vowels, Y’s are particularly handy, but don’t overuse them.)
3) Extra W’s and H’s (”awl” instead of “all”)
4) Z’s instead of S’s are easy
5) Double-letters versus single letters are always fun
6) Don’t be afraid to further pluralize things, including your verbs
7) Remember that the word “THE” must always be spelled “TEH”
now, we have:
“Dat beesing teh kiti vary ful ov kutenis. An to bees lukingz! Hims gotz bowwagez on hims hed!!”
Step four: Add exclamations and extra words.
1) Use commonly accepted internet abbreviations. Misspell them if necessary. (LOL = lawlz! ROTFL = rofflz! OMG = omgwtfbbq!?! … etc … )
2) Imagine that you’re actually in a crowd of people and you want everyone to look at this particular picture. Extra exclamations are thus necessary.
3) Think Valley Girl. The words “like,” “totally,” etc can be added. Remember to misspell!
4) Some common statements have been severely abbreviated into one single multi-syllabic word. These are good to use. The best example is “Okay, thank you, good-bye!” Which has been shortened to “kthxbye” (or “kthxbai”)
And, we have:
“OMG wau!! Dat beesing a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!?”
Step five: Add additional information. This can be the desire to interact with the subject of the photo, personal information, empathetic or sympathetic statements, responses to other posts, etc. Again, nothing right or wrong here, just whatever comes to mind.
Finally:
“OMG wau!! Dat beesings a kiti vary ful ov tewtul kutenis!! Bees wif da lukingz!! Omg him gotz da bowwagez on himz hed lyk WTF?!? OMG I tewtul wuntz to grabz dat kiti and fuzziez himz awl ovar … him sooooooo mooshy an fullz ov win!! Don werry lil kiti, I no eetz u! I luvz kitiz! I can has bunchiz ov dem! Mah kitiz luvz bowwagez too! YETH!! GIMME!! Kthxbai!”
Remember that all of the above steps are basic guidelines for conversational lol-cat. Some regions do not always rearrange syntax. This a treasure for you. With some practice, you too can be writing (and speaking) in Conversational LolKitteh!
(this class is copyright ELFN 2007, all rights reserved, pliz to be kreditz if u be usingz da verbatumz kthxbai.)
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 28th, 2007
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6:17 pm
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Don't know who wrote this..but its funny as hell....
Here's a list of my favorite things to do..... well, there's sex, you
can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage,
couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could
be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin,
or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep
together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or
just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke,
plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be
dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal
mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be
humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump
and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide
the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you
can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or
give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs,
annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in
the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail,
get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get
laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making
this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be
mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the
train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going
anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor
bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild
oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way.
Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to
paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the
twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the
booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the
scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the
nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if
you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check
the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or
the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even
commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my favorite) You
could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the
gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the
fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve
some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode.
it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said
"the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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12:08 pm
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| Friday, December 8th, 2006
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7:56 pm
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7:12 pm - In the dark
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Somewhere in the dark
I felt
and soaring through this place.
I never left you
there where
you could see yourself lost.
I only wanted the things to be
in
a safe embrace.
That moment you looked
directly
and nothing tempered madness.
I simple touch
and a soft murmur
to bring your eyes to mine.
Never leave that
innocence
living inside your heart.
I need to be
the friend that would never
let go.
I will always
catch you
when you plumet.
The edge is never far
enough
away to lose it's threat.
But things are
moving forward
and you can keep going
I know you can.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 4th, 2006
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5:22 pm
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| Friday, November 24th, 2006
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5:07 pm
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| Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
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12:09 am
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"If you don't like the way the world is, you change it.
You have an obligation to change it. You just do it
one step at a time."
-- Marion Wright Edelman
Birth.
What are you doing this moment that is making your life better?
Nevermind.
Late.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 13th, 2006
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9:30 pm
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 | You scored as C.G. Jung. You are more of a spiritualist than would be immediately apparent. Some of your notions are questioned by the cynical, but deep down you know the human consciousness is more than the flesh and tissue can account for. You tend to take a scientific observationist look on matters the average person wouldn't even begin to analyze. You personally are responsible for most of the ideas that are floating around in modern psychologist's/psychic's paltry little skulls. On the down side, you tend to be associated with that asshole Freud.
C.G. Jung | | 75% | Friedrich Nietzsche | | 67% | Stephen Hawking | | 58% | Elvis Presley | | 58% | Steven Morrissey | | 58% | Miyamoto Musashi | | 58% | Jesus Christ | | 50% | Sigmund Freud | | 50% | O.J. Simpson | | 25% | Hugh Hefner | | 25% | Dante Alighieri | | 25% | Mother Teresa | | 25% | Adolf Hitler | | 17% | Charles Manson | | 8% | </td>
What Pseudo Historical Figure Best Suits You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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2:46 pm
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I feel ikcy. I jsut wnat to go hmoe.
Tehre is not rlealy taht mcuh to do at hmoe, but I wulod rtaehr be teehr tahn hree.
Woot for fxnig tinghs.
Hpoe you are hvanig a bteter day tahn I am.
Ltae.
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(comment on this)
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